Sunday, September 11, 2011

Eyeball Disaster Zone

Look out!

So, there's an alien living behind my left eye. I first became aware of it on Friday, when I spotted squiggles in my leftmost peripheral vision. It was instantly clear what they were. Tentacles. Dangit. How did an alien get in there? To make matters worse, not only does it not pay rent, but it smokes. Soon it was puffing these wisps of black smoke right into my line of sight. Annoying? Yes. And causing some blurring of vision too!

By pure coincidence (and pure husband nagging--the good kind), I had an optometrist appointment already scheduled for Saturday, thanks to which I now have a diagnosis:

There is indeed an alien living in my left eye, his name is Vitreous Detachment, and he will be there FOREVER.

Squiggle. Squiggle. Hello Laini, I'm waving at you. Squiggle.


On the plus side, the brain apparently adjusts to constant stimulus and will cease to register it, and I'll stop seeing it. It will continue to occasionally blur my vision though, which is awesome. If I were a fighter pilot, my career would be over. But I am a writer. Whew. Dodged that bullet. Also, I'm fond of eye patches, so if it comes to that (which it won't), I'm good.

And ... OH. I forgot to tell you the best part! Apparently, these aliens are relatively common in ... people over fifty. Not so long ago a dermatologist said the same thing about this spot I have. So it would seem I am on the accelerated aging program.


Secondarily, both of my eyes are a mess of severe dryness with scratches on both corneas. What the heck? Do you think it could by all the crime-fighting? Or maybe the tornado-surfing? Or ... could it be stress, fatigue, and lack of sleep? Hm. So I'm on "intensive therapy" which calls for drops every hour and blurry-making gel whenever I can stand it (never), and I'm thinking I need a tiny holster for my tiny bottle of eye drops. I'm always forgetting it, and an hour goes fast! Maybe I should sew a secret compartment into my bra, then I could be all, Excuse me a moment, and reach into my shirt, dropper myself, and then tuck it back away. Oh, and the drops are white. It's so cute to have white liquid in your eyes.

Meanwhile, some weekend entertainment. On Friday, while I was home squinting around wavering alien tentacles to work on my presentations for the upcoming tour, Jim took Clementine to a concert. We didn't know them before, but: the awesome! They're local, so maybe I'll get to go next time. Sallie Ford & the Sound Outside. Here they're on Letterman. Check it out. So good. Does she have a rockin voice or what?

Speaking of rockin', my rockin' Saturday night consisted of ... dragging myself (and my alien) back to the gym after a looooooong absence. Long. Like, they've added a entire floor since last I was there. They've upgraded to fingerprint check-in technology. It's all fancy. But you still have to actually work out. They haven't revolutionized that yet, more's the pity. Some day I'll forget to go to the gym for a couple of years and then pop in to discover there's a TV channel that exercises you while you get your eyebrows shaped.

Because we could all use more elegant eyebrows.

But it felt good to run a little! I've become a slug. A strong-armed, baby-hefting slug. And since weaning Clementine back in the spring, I have been gaining weight! Dangit. Remind me: next baby, NURSE FOREVER, just for the extra calorie allowance!

Cheers, friends. My alien is waving at you.


Michelle said...

Maybe I just love the insight into the day to day monotony of my favorite living writer, or maybe I like knowing that talented, famous people get stupid annoying little things like eye floaters too (I also have ocular guests from time-to-time), but for some reason this is one of my favorite blog posts of yours ever (and a massively run-on sentence).

tone almhjell said...

Hello, Laini's alien. Nice to meet you.

No, seriously, that sounds like *so* much fun. Just what you need to make a book tour go all that smoother.
Maybe you could persuade the alien to camp out in Clementine's play house (not head! not head!) while you're away. Add a few posters of Fox Mulder in there and I'm sure it's a deal.

tanita✿davis said...

UGH. I felt like I had an alien a couple of years ago when I was diagnosed with glaucoma. Eye crap is a writer hazard, I guess. Hang in there. Eventually you stop noticing both eyedrops and alien.

Rhiannon said...

Eye drop holsters would be very very chique. I think you should comission a set.

Charlotte said...

aw, stink! But I can speak from experience and say that one messed up eye does become increasingly ignored by the brain, and I hope your brain figures out how to do that as quickly as possible.

Camille said...

Wow, I just saw your tour dates and I am so happy to see that you will be in London at one point. I was so sorry to miss your tour considering technical difficulties (i.e. the Atlantic ocean) but problem solved. I can't wait to meet you in London.

lexi said...

oh no, poor eye.
i knew someone who coughed and HIS EYE FELL OUT OF ITS SOCKET. But it was still attached to his body via eyes being attached by veins so the emergency room people just popped it back in.

Q said...

No! Eye problems!

Yay! A tour schedule!

Truly Bookish said...

Eye problems suck. My husband was only 30 when his retina partially detached and he had to have emergency surgery and have a scleral buckel put in. Oh, yeah, the stop nursing/gain weight situation sucks too. I know that one first hand....
Truly Bookish

anne said...

eye strain, lots of computering is very drying for eyes. get up every 20 min, they say, and just walk into the other room or ??, and then come back for more computer/writing. (or write in long hand, like Brian Jacques did..................)

Sarah Sequins said...

Sorry about the eye problems! If your alien is interested, there is something called Eye Yoga. Maybe he might like to try the lotus position...

Love the music! In return, I present to you my favorite band ever:

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