Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Auxiliary Brain, at your service!





*whistling sounds*




Oh right. I have a blog. 



*waves out from screen* 



Hm. Hmmmm. 



*rummages through brain for content; produces a broken bicycle pump and a stale croissant*



*examines croissant, takes a nibble.*



Eww, no. You don't want that.





Hi. This is Laini's Auxiliary Brain talking. Not her Main Brain. That brain is otherwise occupied, and will be until some time around Christmas. If you prefer to talk to Main Brain (which I totally understand, it is sooo much better), try back then.

(Don't worry. This is a jello mold.)


In the meantime, though, there is this one, and it's not entirely useless. It knows some limericks and sea chanties and can carry on a conversation about the weather for two minutes and six seconds. For reasons best left to the imagination, it is something of an authority on noodle shapes and styrofoam. Also, if you put in a quarter, it will read you a fairy tale, but it cannot tell jokes (though neither can Main Brain, to be frank) It is perfectly able to watch television, which is what most brains are used for anyway, so that's fine.


See?


Would you like to ask Auxiliary Brain any questions? The answers might be fun and surprising. Let's try! Anyone?













[big quiet space for questions]


















(What is going on HERE? I do not know.)

40 comments:

Eleanor Called Ella said...

I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your blog and how much I'm anticipating Daughter of Smoke and Bone's release.

I do have some questions for you!

1. Will you becoming to NYC on tour?

2. Why write? (I mean this in a what-do-you-think-the-purpose/importance-of-telling-stories-is sort of way)

3. How do you deal with the stress of self-doubt while you're writing.

Thank you so much!

Eleanor Called Ella said...

That last question should have had a question mark instead of a period. Carry on!

Fletcher of the Day said...

Here's my question: Train A leaves the station at 15.30 going 25mph. Train B leaves the station at 22:00 going 27 MPH. What color are the seats in First class?

Fletcher of the Day said...

Oh, and what are your NYC dates? Darina will be in NYC and Atlanta in October...

xx

Laini Taylor said...

Hi Eleanor. Thank you! And thank you for the questions. Let's see how this goes ...


1. Will you becoming to NYC on tour?

YES!


2. Why write? (I mean this in a what-do-you-think-the-purpose/importance-of-telling-stories-is sort of way)

TO GET FREE STUFF AND IMPRESS PEOPLE.

(Also, see here: http://www.lainitaylor.com/2011/03/okay-then-finally-heres-costume-two.html)


3. How do you deal with the stress of self-doubt while you're writing.

AUXILIARY BRAIN DOES NOT HAVE SPACE FOR SELF-DOUBT. OR OSTRICHES.

Thanks!

Laini Taylor said...

DEAR FLETCHER OF THE DAY, I SEE RIGHT THROUGH YOUR TRICK QUESTION.

Here's my question: Train A leaves the station at 15.30 going 25mph. Train B leaves the station at 22:00 going 27 MPH. What color are the seats in First class?

THERE ARE NO SEATS IN FIRST CLASS. FIRST CLASS IS A GIANT BALL PIT WITH TRAPEZES AND ZIP LINES.

Connie Onnie said...

I am not brave enough to ask if you are coming to Arizona on tour but I am going to ask do you know when you can post where you are going on tour?

Alysa said...

Hi Aux-brain! How many fingers am I holding up? :D

Saturday Sequins said...

Hi there, auxiliary brain!

Have you seen the movie The Man With Two Brains? If so, do you think this was an accurate portrayal of brains, or did the movie fall prey to common brain stereotypes?

Also, an ostrich tried to bite me once. I can understand having no time for them.

Anonymous said...

So, are you visiting Norway in October as you once said you might?

1000th.monkey said...

Oh my goodness... I actually laughed out loud when I got the the noodle and styrofoam bit...

Question: Is your hair still the fabulous shade of pink in your author photo?

Question two: What is the easiest/hardest aspects of a scene for you to write? If that isn't clear enough, I'm thinking stuff like description, dialogue, action/fighting, heavy emotion, humour, etc.

Megsie said...

I would love to know your tour schedule too!

Love all the brain-molds. Halloween is coming....hmmmmmm.

Laini Taylor said...

HELLO ALYSA.

How many fingers am I holding up?

EASY. ONE FROM A MONKEY AND TWO FROM A RAT, AND ONE FROM THE LITTLE GIRL WHO STOLE THE MONKEY'S HAT. WHICH EQUALS FOUR. FOUR FINGERS. WHAT I DON'T UNDERSTAND IS WHY YOU COLLECT FINGERS.

Laini Taylor said...

CONNIE ONNIE, HI!

I am not brave enough to ask if you are coming to Arizona on tour but I am going to ask do you know when you can post where you are going on tour?

I KNOW THE THING YOU DARE NOT ASK, BUT NOT THE THING YOU DO. SO WHAT DO I DO NOW? DO I ANSWER THE ONE YOU DIDN'T ASK? BUT YOU DIDN'T ASK IT. I AM NOT A COMPLEX ENOUGH MACHINE TO PERFORM THIS SPIRAL.

(Drat, no AZ this time! And: soon I hope!)

Laini Taylor said...

WELCOME, SATURDAY SEQUINS.

Have you seen the movie The Man With Two Brains? If so, do you think this was an accurate portrayal of brains, or did the movie fall prey to common brain stereotypes?

MAIN BRAIN SAW THAT MOVIE AND TOLD ME ABOUT IT ON JUICE BREAK ONE DAY, BUT I WAS WATCHING A SQUIRREL DISEMBOWEL A FORGOTTEN PINATA AND DIDN'T GIVE IT MY FULL ATTENTION.

Laini Taylor said...

HELLO ANONYMOUS.

So, are you visiting Norway in October as you once said you might?

NO. RWAY.

*SNERT SNORT CHORTLE*

Laini Taylor said...

1000TH MONKEY.

Question: Is your hair still the fabulous shade of pink in your author photo?

MY HAIR IS CURRENTLY A GHOST OF ITS FORMER PINKNESS. SORRY AS A HUNGOVER FLAMINGO. BUT SOON LOVE AND CHEMICALS SHALL BE LAVISHED UPON IT AND ALL WILL BE WELL.

Question two: What is the easiest/hardest aspects of a scene for you to write? If that isn't clear enough, I'm thinking stuff like description, dialogue, action/fighting, heavy emotion, humour, etc.

THIS IS A QUESTION FOR MAIN BRAIN. I ONLY DUST THE CLOCKS.

Laini Taylor said...

MEGSIE, HI.

WHERE I COME FROM, SUCH BLATANT DISREGARD FOR THE CONVENTIONS OF QUESTION-ASKING ARE PUNISHABLE BY WALRUS. NEVERTHELESS I SHALL ANSWER: IT IS FORTHCOMING.

:-)

Mare Freeborn said...

Hey, Aux brain! Have you ever been targeted by a zombie as a tasty dinner? I hear brains are their favorite delicacy!

Elizabeth said...

Hello Laini,

I know you have a passel of other things on your proverbial plate but how about a house update?!??! Design Sponge and Apartment Therapy can only go so far for decore inspiration and I've LOVED the before and after's from your new abode. Yippie for calm white with funky splashes of color!!!
A humble request from a long-time blog reader.
-Elizabeth in Minneapolis

Laini Taylor said...

DEAR MARE,

Hey, Aux brain! Have you ever been targeted by a zombie as a tasty dinner? I hear brains are their favorite delicacy!

EVERY DAY IS A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE AROUND HERE. AS SUCH, I AM STORED IN AN ASSUMING COMMERCIAL SIZE CAN OF CREAM OF MUSHROOM SOUP. THE ZOMBIES HAVE NOT CHECKED HERE ONCE! PUNKS.

Laini Taylor said...

ELIZABETH, HELLO.

how about a house update?!??!

NESTING IS ONE OF THE MANY THINGS NOT HAPPENING AROUND HERE RIGHT NOW. (DID I MENTION I LIVE IN A CAN OF SOUP?) BUT MIGHT I DIRECT YOU TO THESE LOVELY HOMES WHERE YOU CAN DROOL IN A NUMBER OF LANGUAGES?

http://lystadsvingen.blogspot.com/
http://decor8blog.com/
http://lillelykke.blogspot.com/
http://brightbazaar.blogspot.com/
http://blogdelanine.blogspot.com/

(ah, so many more ...)

Anonymous said...

Heyheyhey A.B.! I have a couple simple questions for you:
What are your favorite snacks? Do you like Twinkies or no? How about ableskiver balls?
And #2, if it's not too personal:
Are you hairy?

Anonymous said...

Dear Laini,

As a YA author debuting next year AND considering parenthood, I just want to say thank you for the insight into your life with Clementine. She's absolutely precious, and seeing you balance a baby and a successful career, and making it all miraculously WORK is truly heartening.

Sincerely,
Trying to Make the Big Decision

Anonymous said...

Hello,

By chance, would you happen to be a patient of the renown auxilary brain surgeon,Dr. Asshat, who I know has offices in the Portland area?

If so, thoughts on your care with this supposed wizard of medical knowledge?

Sincerely,

Billard Maynez

Life is Good(ell) said...

Greetings, auxiliary brain! Is the main brain distantly related to the Taylors in Dillon, TX, and, if so, can it please introduce me to Tim Riggins? Much obliged!

Laini Taylor said...

ANONYMOUS, HELLO.

What are your favorite snacks?

GUMMY MICE WITH RANCH DRESSING. UNCOOKED SPAGHETTI.

Shveta said...

Dear Auxiliary Brain,

You want to eat my main brain, don't you? Don't you?? Well, you can't have it! Just because it would taste great with garlic and some cumin and coriander. . .NO.

I won't let you! Stop following me!!!!

*runs away*

Anonymous said...

This is Michelob Bernstein from Windingham. Was the commentor above referring to the Dr. Alexandra Asshat who operated on mY husband's fistIshio last year? She is a brilliant surgeon.

Laini Taylor said...

DEAR LIFE IS GOOD(ELL)

Is the main brain distantly related to the Taylors in Dillon, TX, and, if so, can it please introduce me to Tim Riggins? Much obliged!

TIM RIGGINS HAS RESTRAINING ORDERS AGAINST ALL OF LAINI'S BRAINS. SORRY.

Laini Taylor said...

ANONYMOUS,

Are you hairy?

MY LUXURIANT PELT IS FAMED THE WORLD OVER. IN FACT, MY SPECIES IS ENDANGERED DUE IN LARGE PART TO THE MYSTERIOUS PROPERTIES OF OUR HAIR, WHICH INCLUDE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO: GETTING A SUDDEN TINGLING SENSATION WHENEVER SOMEONE IS ABOUT TO TRY TO TASTE YOUR DESSERT (A VASTLY UNDERRATED DEFENSE MECHANISM), AND THE ABILITY TO DETERMINE, BY TOUCH, WHEN A CHAIR HAS LAST BEEN SAT ON.

Laini Taylor said...

DEAR TRYING TO MAKE A BIG DECISION:

re: considering parenthood

REPRODUCE IMMEDIATELY. FOR AN IDEA OF HOW AWESOME PARENTHOOD IS, STACK UP ALL THE CAKE YOU WILL EVER EAT FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE AND EAT IT ALL AT ONCE, WITHOUT EVEN GETTING FULL. IT IS BETTER THAN THAT.

Laini Taylor said...

HELLO SHVETA

You want to eat my main brain, don't you? Don't you?? Well, you can't have it! Just because it would taste great with garlic and some cumin and coriander. . .NO.

I won't let you! Stop following me!!!!

AS IT HAPPENS, I KNOW WHERE TO FIND YOU OCTOBER 6-9. *packs knife and fork* LOOKING FORWARD TO "MEETING" YOU. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Laini Taylor said...

ANONYMOUS AGAIN,

By chance, would you happen to be a patient of the renown auxilary brain surgeon,Dr. Asshat,

WHY NO, BUT MY BRAIN MASSAGE THERAPIST GOES BY THAT NAME. I WONDER IF IT IS THE SAME PERSON.

Mindy said...

-insert quarter- I like hearing fairy tales and such! Tell me a story please!

Jim Di Bartolo said...

'Kay, here it goes:

1) who'd win in a fight: chocolate or mangoes?

2) could the winner of that fight beat pizza?

3) could the loser of that fight beat pie?

4) could the winner of #2 beat the winner of a Batman vs. Mustaches match?

5) More annoying: "calllipygian quizzer" or "nemisis who shall not be named"

Evie said...

Did main brain choose the color pink for your hat holder or did you?

Were other colors considered? If so what were they?

Laini Taylor said...

JIM DI BARTOLO, HELLO.

1) who'd win in a fight: chocolate or mangoes?

IT WOULD BE A DRAW, BUT WOULD LEAD TO AN IMPASSIONED MAKE-UP, THE *FRUITS* OF WHICH WOUDL BE BORN 9 MONTHS LATER: A BOUNCING BABY MANGOLATE, THE NEW MIGHTIEST FOOD IN THE FOODOSPHERE.

2) could the winner of that fight beat pizza?

THE MANGOLATE, SURPRISINGLY, SUBSISTS ENTIRELY ON PIZZA. THE MANGOLATE WILL NOT FIGHT PIZZA.

3) could the loser of that fight beat pie?

THE WILL JOIN TOGETHER TO RUB PIE'S FEET.

5) More annoying: "calllipygian quizzer" or "nemisis who shall not be named"

HA. EQUALLY ANNOYING, AND WILL DECIDE TO BREED. THE BABY BORN OF THEIR UNION WILL BE BOTH PERFECTLY ANNOYING AND HAVE PERFECTLY PROPORTIONED BUTTOCKS.

Laini Taylor said...

HI EVIE.

Did main brain choose the color pink for your hat holder or did you?

Were other colors considered? If so what were they?

HAT HOLDER. MMPHH. FUNNY.

Evie said...

YOU PORTLAND PINK PUZZLEMENT.

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